A few quotes concerning the French
(and their position towards Iraq)
Tom Brokaw - "My Favorite bumper sticker in Washington, DC,
right now is one that says, 'First Iraq, then France.'"
Td Nugent - "Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman
living in Canada."
Jacques Chirac, President of France - "As far as we're concerned,
war always means failure."
Donald Rumsfeld - "Going to war without the French is like going
to war without an accordion."
General George S. Patton - "I would rather have a German division
in front of me than a French one behind me."
David Letterman - "France wants more evidence.
The last time France wanted more evidence, it rolled
through France with a German Flag."
Dennis Miller - "The only way the French are going in
is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."
Rep. Roy Blunt (R-Mo) - "Do you know how many Frenchmen
it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."
Anonymous - "Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has
to keep France."
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The complete military history of France
Galic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next
2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all
things, an Italian.
The Hundred Years War: Mostly lost. although saved at the last
moment by a schizophrenic teenage girl who inadvertantly
creates the First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country
to ever lose two wars when fighting the Italians.
Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Hugenots.
The Thirty Years War: France is technically not a
participant, but manages nonetheless to get invaded
anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the
other participants start ignoring her.
The War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing
red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War: Tied.
War on the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and
Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three times in a row
induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the
period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The war also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved
American Revolution: In a move that will become quite
familiar to the future of Americans, France claims a
win even though the English colonists saw far more
action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome,"
and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare:
"France only wins when America does most of the
The French Revolution: Won. Primarily due to the fact
that the opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the
First Rule!) due to leadership by a Corsican, who ended up
being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany plays the role
of a drunken fat boy to France's ugly girl home alone
on a Saturday night.
World War I: Tied and on the way to losing. France is
saved by the United States. Thousands of French women
find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner,
but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadely,
widespread use of condoms by American forces prevent
any improvement in the French bloodline.
World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the
United States and Britian just as they finish learning
the Horst Wessel Song.
War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness,
take to their beds with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of
a Western army by a non-Turkisk Muslim force since
The Crusades, and produces the first rule of Muslim
Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is
identical to the First Rules of Warfare of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese,
War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind it's recent
history, surrenders to the Germans and Muslims just to
be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese
Ambassador fail after he takes refuge in McDonalds.
The question for any country silly enough to count on
the French should not be "Can we count on the French?"
but rather "How long until France collapses?"