A few quotes concerning the French (and their position towards Iraq)

Tom Brokaw - "My Favorite bumper sticker in Washington, DC, right now is one that says, 'First Iraq, then France.'"

Td Nugent - "Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman living in Canada."

Jacques Chirac, President of France - "As far as we're concerned, war always means failure."

Donald Rumsfeld - "Going to war without the French is like going to war without an accordion."

General George S. Patton - "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."

David Letterman - "France wants more evidence. The last time France wanted more evidence, it rolled through France with a German Flag."

Dennis Miller - "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."

Rep. Roy Blunt (R-Mo) - "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried."

Anonymous - "Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France."

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.


The complete military history of France

Galic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

The Hundred Years War: Mostly lost. although saved at the last moment by a schizophrenic teenage girl who inadvertantly creates the First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting the Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5-4 against the Hugenots.

The Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages nonetheless to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants start ignoring her.

The War of Devolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War on the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three times in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The war also gave the French their first taste of a Marlboro, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to the future of Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome," and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

The French Revolution: Won. Primarily due to the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership by a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany plays the role of a drunken fat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I: Tied and on the way to losing. France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadely, widespread use of condoms by American forces prevent any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britian just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to their beds with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a Western army by a non-Turkisk Muslim force since The Crusades, and produces the first rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of Warfare of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind it's recent history, surrenders to the Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to the Vietnamese Ambassador fail after he takes refuge in McDonalds.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?"